happy and sane.

I remember when Jack was 5 or 6 weeks old, Matty's cousins were going to be wrestling at state. Matt wanted to go, and he wouldn't go if I didn't go, so I said sure. I was super hesitant to be away from the house that long with Jack so little and him being a little difficult to nurse at the time. But I was also a little excited, too, to join society again.

I remember it so vividly. Jack was sleeping in the car seat, and the family wanted to hold him, so they took him out and he woke up. Then after about 15 minutes of play time he started screaming. I mean, just screaming till he was blue. I don't at all miss the days when I couldn't distract him with a toy.

So, of course, the screaming blue baby gets passed back to the mother (oh, wait, that's me), and I tried to calm him down. State wrestles is in this huge auditorium that is two stories, and I swear I walked every inch of it rocking him, patting him, trying to nurse him, with no relief. I actually had a few moms come up to me to offer advice (which was really nice in their intent, but altogether unhelpful since every baby isn't like their baby). I remember sitting on the steps on the side of the building trying to nurse him and he was crying and I was crying. After a little bit of know-how, he finally fell asleep against my chest. I felt so accomplished. Like I had just caught and tamed the dragon that had been plaguing the villagers of this town.

I'm not sure why I bring this story up now, except to say that I try to think of these moments to make it clear how far we've come--Jack and I. We have just made it to a really good, sane and happy place. Love this boy.